The apparition of these faces in the crowd

You know... all I'd like is a break. Really. Though, I know better than to ask for that because with the way my luck is going, I'll end up breaking something tomorrow.

That cold that started the day before my LSATs? Degenerated into bronchitis. I've never felt worse in my entire bloody life. I sound like my own personal TB ward.

My fic muse is giving me the middle finger and I have deadlines and it's still giving me the whatfor. And I haven't gone to see my therapist in... well, longer than I realised before writing this up. I just feel so apathetic towards everything lately. There's drama in a couple of my games that I don't want to deal with and it could be the illness talking too.

I'm just feeling like I'm behind in things and am never going to catch up. And they're things I love doing/running... but things seem like mountains. And if I hide from them, they'll go away -- only I start feeling guilty that I'm letting people down. *sigh*

I guess I just want to be back in school and working towards something. Right now I feel so absolutely lost and without any purpose. Yes, I have my job at the Playhouse but it's only a year. I just feel like I'm a ship at sea and just bounding in place. I don't know what my future holds, any time I think I've found a decent guy to date he tends to turn out to be gay or a total douche. And no, I don't need to date to be happy but when one hits the age of 24 and has never had anything by way of a serious boyfriend? One starts getting depressed. And it's the 'what's wrong with me' demons.

I shouldn't start thinking at midnight. Because I get maudlin.

I hate this feeling. But I don't know how to get out of this rut either.

Yep. I'm already registered for October. Score came in today -- few days earlier than scheduled which was fine with me. Well, would have been fine if my score wasn't so low.

Alright. So, I'm sure a lot of people would be happy with a 154. I'm in the 60th percentile. But still... It's not what I wanted. I was hoping to score about 165. That's what I was testing before I took the actual test. Needless to say, I'm so fucking disappointed in myself it's not funny. I'm just feeling like anytime I try to push my life in a direction I get a door slammed in my face. I couldn't get into schools for Music History. Tried (albeit one) school for violin performance and got rejected. And now scoring so low.

I'm just... I feel absolutely lost.

♥ Thanks, guys, for putting up with me. And thanks for all the amazingly brilliant comments on my last couple of posts. I seriously do not know what I'd do without you guys right now. I really, really don't. I'm blessed to have such amazing and supportive friends. I'll hit up replies tomorrow. Right now... I'm just not up for looking at much.

I need a hug right about now. *sigh* Or some vodka.